Hoops

Today I’m going to be discussing hoops, and how to make the perfect jump shot. JOKES. Was that funny? I hope so. But actually, I’m going to be talking about hoops as in hoop earrings. Duh, obviously the only thing that I know about basketball is that Khloe and Lamar will be 2gether 4 evaaaaa. So back to the jewelry, there are four basic sizes of hoops:

1. Teeny tiny hoops—Hug the ear.
2. Small hoops—You can fit 1-2 fingers through the diameter (see I was paying attention in 6^th grade math) of the earring.
3. Medium hoops—You can fit about 3-4 fingers through the diameter of the earring.
4. Large hoops (Hoochie Hoops)—The biggest.

The latter, is a giant no-no. Not only is it tacky and distracting, but it’s also a ginormous safety hazard. Think of all of the different things that the earring could get caught on as you walk down the street. Or, in a more traumatic situation, let’s say you’re out drinking “juice” and your friend is wearing the most obnoxiously high (yet completely amazing—bury me with them) Yves Saint Laurent Tribtoo Suede Pumps). Obviously she’s going to fall upwards of 4 times, and that’s a conservative estimate, so what do you think she’s going to grab onto when she falls? YUP, that shiny handle hanging from your ear. 14 stitches later and I’ll bet you’ll be regretting that accessory decision. Sorry for the rambling.

So what is the right size for your lobes? I recommend the small size for fancier occasions and the medium size for more casual occasions. The large is a poor choice for the reasons stated above. The teeny tiny size isn’t good either. They’re too, Baby’s first pair of earrings. How adorable. Unless you are in fact a baby in which case I’m very impressed by your above-grade-level reading ability. Your mom must have listened to Mozart while you were still a tiny fetus.

The Rulebook:

• Downplay your other jewelry. Hoops are statement piece. Only wear one statement piece at a time because nobody likes a girl with too many opinions. (IT WAS ANOTHER BAD JOKE RELAX).
• No plastic or colored hoops. Even the 80’s hated them.
• If they touch your shoulders, they’re too big.
• Hoops aren’t formal unless they have diamonds, in which case I’ll take two pairs please!
• Don’t wear hoops with turtlenecks. I don’t know why, but you know it’s wrong too.

Holla at me Hoops:

Wave Hoop Earrings by Adriana Orsini

Available online from Saks Fifth Avenue

Siyabona Hoop Earrings by Alexis Bittar

Available online from Bergdorf Goodman

Glamazon Clip Hoop Earrings by Ippolita

Available online from Neiman Marcus