The Nighttime Cross-Body Bag

Yes I made up the terminology, no I don’t care.  What I’m referring to when I say nighttime cross-body bags are the bags that girls around the world wear for a night out, not for running errands.  Some use daytime and nighttime cross-bodies interchangeably.  Don’t.  Use your Spidey Senses and look at the colors and fabrics to determine which cross-bodies are for before sunset, and which are for after.

The perfect “nighttime” cross-body will ruin any outfit.  It’s a great idea, in theory.  You don’t have to hold your purse and thus, you have two free hands; one to hold your drink and the other to text your friends about how much fun you’re not having.  So why is this class of bag so detrimental to your Dior? For the same reason you’ll never see a fanny pack on the best dressed list.  It’s like a giant crane outside your window or the NBA player sitting in front of you at the movie theater.  It’s an obstruction, one GIANT obstruction, even if it’s too small to fit your cell phone.

When you wear a cross-body, your friends could be thinking that they’re not worthy of your company because your outfit is too amazing but, they will instead be thinking about how the strap draped across your torso is making you look slightly asymmetrical and like you could maybe lose a pound or 20.  I get it, it’s convenient, it’s practical, and it’s drunk-proofer (yes, that’s a grammatically correct, hyphenated word) than a clutch.  If I see you out, I will respect your decision and will silently go about my business, trying to focus on the fact that your now tainted frock was once adorable.  And also because I’m probably wearing one too.

Special Note: You can wear a cross-body bag hanging on your shoulder.  It might be annoying to wear this way but it will look forty-gazillion times better than if you wear it across your body.  This news flash brought to you by TayBer.  Stay alert, look good.

Some guidelines for when you ignore me and wear your cross-body bags:

  • Beware of this bag in heavy fabrics and leathers, especially with the current menswear trend.  It will look too daytime casual.
  • They should not be “satchels.” You should be able to fit no more than your cell phone, some credit cards, and a pair of city flats.
  • Don’t wear it before noon, or I and everyone else will assume you are on a walk of shame.
  • Most people have just one of these bags—it’s their “going out bag.”  That means it probably doesn’t match everything.  Unacceptable.  Go out and buy another bag.
  • NEVER wear your cross body bag over any type of blazer or jacket.  No.

If You Must:

Milly

Tatum Metallic Mini Bag by Milly

Available online from Shopbop

Chanel

Wallet on a Chain by CHANEL

Product information available from CHANEL

Lanvin

The Mini Pop by Lanvin

Available online from Net-A-Porter

Nina Ricci

Correspondence Cross Body Bag by Nina Ricci

Available online from Barneys New York

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